I sit, I watch, I wait, I do nothing, I just am.
My children are getting older, 13, 16 and 20. They need different things than when they were small. I still wake them up to go to school, college and university, but on the whole they then get on with it. The rush before their departures in the morning remain chaotic as we are a chaotic household. The getting things done the night before has long since become redundant as no one seems to have learnt that lesson, regardless of my promptings and I hate to say yellings.
My role in life no longer includes a paid job, this was cancelled some years ago when I became poorly and unable to work. So my day is pretty much my own when the last cherub leaves the house.
So this is exactly me at the moment, waiting on God to show me what next. This morning when I asked "What do you want me to do?" I clearly heard, "I want you to do nothing, just sit and be with me."
Oh this is so hard, I was never a sitter, I have always been a doer. So once I became better I wanted to do. Not necessarily the housework, I have never been a slave to that chore! But my mind is active although burdened and limited with the illness of the past years. When I push it, it rebels and headaches take over. Some of the wiring fused and it still smolders. It has taken time for another part of the brain to take over the areas that were affected. This is frustrating but God has used this for His purposes.
This sitting reminds me of the passage from Ephesians 2:6.
For He raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus.
Being with God in the Heavenly realms. What a wonderful occupation. But being faithful to that calling when all I want to do, is do something is hard. However, God is training me in obedience. Obedience that will have greater rewards than a salary, will be more fruitful for my soul than my ego, and will open the door to my final goal, meeting God in Spirit and Truth.
God understands the sacrifices that this will take. The financial loss of my own independence. The loss of not being able to treat my growing children as I used to. I love giving, I love seeing their faces when I present them with a treat. But this loss has been going on for a few years now, in the first place it was because of the illness, now God is asking me to do it because I am in wholeness, or at least as near as I can get to it. That is the difference.
The wealth (income) I have given up must now come from God.
God is asking me to ditch the 'I' and to turn fully to Him as it says in Proverbs 3:5-10
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones. Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything you produce. Then he will fill your barns with grain, and your vats will overflow with good wine.
Do not depend on your own understanding - meaning in my case ditch the 'when better in health go back to work'.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take - meaning in my case sit and be with Him and He will give me instruction.
Don't be impressed with your own wisdom - meaning I don't know what is best for me only God does.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil - meaning stop looking at what the world thinks I should do and trust God.
Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones - meaning God will and has healed me for his purposes.
Honor the Lord with your wealth - meaning in this case the amount of time I have.
and with the best part of everything you produce - meaning the fruits of my time with God.
Then he will fill your barns with grain, and your vats will overflow with good wine - meaning my time with Him will be prosperous and His Love will overflow into my family and friends lives, thus giving them Holy treats that satisfy their spiritual needs rather than their material needs.
It is one thing to want our way and satisfy our needs, it is another to bow down to God and allow Him to satisfy us with his Love and understanding that allows us to sit with Him in the Heavenly Realms.
Doing God's will and sitting is not going to be easy, it will put all the pressure on my husband to provide for us all. However, obedience to God requires His wisdom and understanding of the situation and not mine. He will provide, he always has done for our family. That has been witnessed by the rises and falls in our married life. This is just one more journey that asks for Trust.
I sit, I watch, I wait, I do nothing, I just am. And I allow God to enter and captivate my spirit for His Honour and Glory so that I may be free to be who you want me to be.
Fulfill your destiny in me oh God. Amen.